Listen I’ve seen a lot of “Tim finds Jason out as the Red Hood early and bullies him back into the family fics” and while I love that idea, I would love for someone to write a fic where it’s Alfred who figures it out first and bullies his grandson back into the family via passive-aggressive compassion, etc.
Jason, prepared to take out eight drug lord lieutenants: Alfred, appearing in his safe house by his unquestionable magic: I do hope you’re not intending to do anything foolish Jason, immediately sweating: NOTHING I’M NOT DOING ANYTHING
Jason: I need Bruce to kill the Joker to avenge me! Alfred: dear boy, I should think you’d understand your father’s moral lines about killing by now, having worked by his side for several years. Alfred, cocking a shotgun: fortunately for you, I am under no such moral compunctions. Fetch me the blueprints for the asylum and I will be back within 48 hours.
I know WFA is too OOC for some people, but I need that shit right now.
I do love seeing the Batfam beating the shit out of each other. I like how messy their relationships are and I have always loved flawed characters.
But idk, man, Batman #138 just really crossed a line for me and I need a reminder that there are other depictions of Bruce that aren’t so fucking heinous.
Interesting how people will have Dick call Damian a variation of nicknames in fics, but he never calls him by any nicknames in canon. Instead, Jason and Tim are the ones he more frequently uses nicknames for in canon. Jay, Timmy, etc.
He wants to help out. He wants to give back. But what can he do? He can’t teach anything to them that they don’t already know. Heck, every time he tries offering help, by the time they finish saying what he could do, the problem ends up being solved anyways.
However, not anymore. He’s trying to listen and not speak, observe as is the detective way. And as the recent and relatively normal addition to the batfam, he comes to a startling conclusion.
None of them eat.
And by that, Duke doesn’t mean that they go without food because they survive without it, he means that they genuinely forget to eat for long periods of time due to stress, long hours or other factors, and since vigilate-ing has been more or less their whole lives, they’ve forgotten what hunger even feels like, unless they’re actively reminded of it.
So, every time Duke comes over, he mentions that he’s starving. Then he goes into great length to describe just how hungry it is and what he’s craving. Ten times out of ten, everyone’s stomachs start rumbling before the entire family stares at the fridge in hunger.
And little by little, he starts making sure they associate yellow with him, and him with hunger. Every time he visits he makes sure to always wear or bring something yellow with him. Rubber ducky, high lighter, you name it. He even leaves little trinkets around the house, insisting it’s to give a splash of colour.
And it fucking works.
The whole family is on a stakeout, Batman and Red Robin updating everyone in how it’s going when suddenly there’s a pause.
Nightwing: .. Guys? Hello?
Red Robin: .. uh-
Spoiler: ?? Hello?? Did your brain short circuit??
Red Robin: *soft mumbling*
Robin: ?? Father? Could you compensate for Drake’s incompetence again?
Batman: … The gang is wearing yellow.
Robin:
Nightwing:
Batman:
Spoiler:
Red Robin:
*Stomach grumbling noises echoing over comms*
Spoiler: alright I think we’ve seen enough, move in?
Nightwing: Yes please before I start eating my batons
Batman: I’ve bought a restaurant. We can eat there later. Move in on three.
Red Robin: why the fuck do I suddenly want to eat the sandwich someone just threw in the bin?
Red Hood : JESUS FUCKING CHRIST YOU BETTER NOT YOU FUCKING UNHYGENIC BASTARD-
——————— later —————
At the mansion
Damian:
Duke:
Damian:
Duke: ? You need something
Damian: You. You did this to us.
Duke: LISTEN IN MY DEFENSE I DIDN’T THINK ANYONE WAS STUPID ENOUGH TO WEAR YELLOW IF THEY’RE TRYNA COMMIT CRIME AT NIGHT
How come the “solution” to making large-breasted characters more “realistic” is always to shrink the breasts and never to make the rest of the body bigger. “We’ve redesigned this character to remove the Male Gaze but she still has to be skinny.”
